Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
