she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
