I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize