And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
