I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Text me some of your sweat
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize