Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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