I wish I only lived at night.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
