I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
