She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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