Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
