ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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