Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize