can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
