she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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