She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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