I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize