Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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