i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
