That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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