Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
