I wanna bring you to show and tell
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
