Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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