My sheets look like a crime scene.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
