yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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