I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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