My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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