he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize