Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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