Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
