I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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