Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
