jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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