he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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