Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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