who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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