This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
