But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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