My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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