Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
