when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
