I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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