I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
