Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
