I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
