The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
