wrigley field is MILF paradise
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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