I just cut my nipple shaving
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
