You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
