Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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