I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
