After last night, I could never be a politician.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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