Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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