so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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