Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
