U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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