Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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