and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
organizing the empties. That sober.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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