Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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