so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He keeps bees of course he's weird
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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