he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
