I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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