i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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