p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
