I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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