Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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