sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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