And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
